Genre: Action, Martial Arts
Release Date: January 1986
Wow. Where to begin? Ninja Terminator is a weird movie, particularly because it is 2 movies spliced together and these two movies are not about the same thing and combined they make absolutely no sense. None. There technically is a story in that the ninjas are trying to gather parts of a statue, but that seems to barley be a footnote in the movie and the director/editor certainly didn’t care to make sure you could follow the story. This movie is unfollowable. It makes no cohesive sense and honestly, I’m okay with that. I found myself saying “Wait, what?” and “What the hell did I just see?” numerous times.
Let’s take a look at some of the things this masterpiece of schlock B-cinema has to offer:
- Bad ninja fights. I mean bad. I love ninja movies and I love ridiculous ninja movies, but this film was crazy. One guy shoots fire out of the handle of his sword and the other guy shots a fire extinguisher out of his.
- One of the main bad guys is Japanese with a weird blonde long-hair wig. They didn’t even try to make it look good. It is so out of place and unnecessary it is amazing.
- A ninja tests his sword by cutting watermelon multiple times. By that I mean they show him doing it at multiple times in the movie using the same footage.
- There was a random scene of a ninja spinning some fire thing. The scene is dark so you barely see anything but the fire and this scene is 27 seconds of just fire. Yes, I timed it. Don’t worry though. If 27 seconds isn’t enough for you, the same scene is shown again later for no particular reason.
- A ninja uses a throwing knife to “save” his wife from a crab. Not some giant killer crab, no a regular ole boiling crab that fell on the floor. Also, I’m not sure why this entire scene is even in the movie.
- The main badass ninja uses a Garfield phone. Like the original old Garfield landline phone and he does it without the slightest bit of irony.
- All ninjas wear eyeliner and a lot of it. They looked like Jack Sparrow.
- The ninjas act more like sneaky teens trying not to get caught coming back home after a night of drinking than badasses
- Some of the dubbing really looks like they are dubbing English over scenes where the actors are speaking English. I know this is probably to keep consistent voices, but it is still weird looking
- Speaking of dubbing, they picked people with strong accents to do some of the dubbing. One has a southern accent and it is hilarious.
- The ninjas are sent threats via a toy robot like you would see in a 1950’s toy shop and you can see the strings used to move it.
- The golden ninja is supposed to make you invulnerable but the two ninjas are practicing on their arms showing they are invulnerable when they haven’t built the entire golden ninja warrior. Why in the hell are they fighting so much if they don’t need the whole thing and how can they take a full sword hit to the arm with no pain but 10 minutes later a small throwing star hits them in the arm and it is like their world is crashing down?
- Oh, and the 5-minute-long beach fighting scene has sand thrown in someone’s eyes at least 6 times and someone getting their foot stuck in the sand at least 3. These people just can’t learn a lesson.